A Place in this World

Two seconds. Four seconds.

How long does it take you to sign your name?

One form. Five characters. DD214. And that's it. It's all changed.

For some its a sigh of relief, a breath of fresh air. For some its a necessary step forward. And some it's because they have nowhere else to go. I find myself in the latter.
But now its gone.

For eight years we served. Served our country, served our communities. No matter where the journey took us, there was always someone there who understood, stood by you, gave you the sense of belonging. Because you, like them, were far from home, maybe hadn't been home in a while, or maybe you never wanted to go back. And all of it was hard. Hard on us, hard on our families. But we answered the call, and did what was asked.

Almost a decade has past, since I raised my hand and swore an oath to the United States of America. When I left that airport, I knew my life was going to change but I didn't know how much. Youthful dreams hoped my service would impact the world, little did I know the world would go on, and the impact would be on me. My life happened in the US Navy. I got married. Saw the world. Moved to Spain. Had a baby. Looking back it all feels so fast. Life happened before my eyes and went right by. But time didn't fly by. Eight years - almost a decade. Time marched on as slow as it ever had, the whirlwind of life caught me up in it and it seems to have crash landed me here, with that one signature.

He signed that DD214 at the Navy's request. Reduction in force meant our planned 20 year career was ending at the drop of a hat - all gone. The community we had spent our life in was just gone. Now I find my self in a world I left almost a decade ago with a completely different life than the one I left. I guess in my head things were going to be as I left them, but those are just foolish dreams. Time has gone on, people have gone on and the world continues to turn. All relationships change, evolve even those that are left. The bonds remain, but the evolution takes its toll. Friendships fade, people grow up - move on.

When I left, my sister had babies - now they are working on becoming teenagers - and those moments I missed cannot be reclaimed. My parents have the house to themselves and get the chance to rekindle their own lives post children. My brother who was in high school has now graduated college and leads a life of his own. But in my head I am still the girl that left almost 10 years ago.

But here I am at a loss. Still not sure where I belong. I feel as if I am floating and have no sure place I need to be. Although somedays I am not really certain that it matters where I am at all. Whether I am here or in Africa the world still turns, as long as I have my husband and my child (and of course my dogs) I guess I can't complain. But sometimes I would give anything to just feel like I belong somewhere - anywhere - with a purpose or reason to be there.

Two seconds - four seconds. The time it takes to sign your name. That's all it took to make everything I knew disappear. Now I stand here on the edge - waiting - hoping - thinking someday I will find that reason or purpose again.